EN Dobson (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} sableantelope) wrote,@ 2008-10-25 18:52:00 |
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Back in the city now. Mum and I have a lot of thank you cards to write and etc. And I have a lot of thank yous to say here.
It's hard to be online. My Dad fixed me up on Kaza's laptop so I could be online again and not be so lonely but it's really hard. Everyone else's life goes on and mine can't. I try and read journals but I can't connect. It almost amkes me angry. Maybe it's still so much grief and sadness making me too numb still? It's not fair to be angry at friends for going on with life. It's just part of that irrational, sickening mix of grief. You can't think straight.
I feel like my life is bleeding away. All the plans for the furture, the life I had is gone. We are sticking together saying: "Our old life is over, now we have a new life. Not as good because Ameya wont be here but a new life."
I keep having nightmares about loosing her. People are attacking the two of us and I can't save her, or she drowns, or I relive trying to do first aid that day. I wake up crying and vomitting. That same weired white foam....not ususal vomit. What is that stupid foam? I've never done that until the day I found her.
It makes it so I'm scared to sleep. I didn't sleep for about five days at all, and than for the next eight I got about two or three hours a day. The past two days I was able to get about five or six a day. I don't feel well phsyically. It's hard to make yourself, or I guess remind yourself to eat and drink water.
Her service was beautiful- I actually felt less sad afterwrads though the day after I was a mess. And now today is another really sad day. Not as bad as yesterday though. ysterday I was a agonized wreck. I losdt count after the tenth seperate time I broke down and sobbed.
I was able to get up and read my short goodbye at the service myself, I didn't know if I could and had asked Aunt Joy to read it for me but when the time came I was able to get up and do it. My Cousin Debbie read an email that Pastor Jen had sent along to Gram from Pasha(Estarial) which was beautiful. Pastor Jen wrote and read a beautiful sermon. We asked for something with no Jesus and not much God. Enough God to make our Christian relatives happy and give them peace but not to much that would offend Ameya and her non-state Shinto-animist beliefs. She did an amazing job and I think it gave everyone a lot of peace.
More people came to the service than live in the entire village. It was the village we grew up in. We just had the service, no funeral or burial. The next day Mum, Dad and I scattered her ashes on the beach where we spent most every day growing up. I happened to read her last journal entry and it was about our family friend Daniel dying and his ashes were scatteredon the beach by his childhood home and she actually said in that journal entry that she thought that was a good way to go. I had not read that when we decided but I'm glad she would have approved.
I'll do my best to get the text of what Pastor Jen said and what I read and Pasha's email and put them behind a cut here so that peoiple who couldn't attend the service can read if they like.
I was so surprised to see Amy and I's very close friend Erin(Airguitar) there- I didn't know if she could make it when we left the city. My best friend since kindergarten and one of Amy's best friends too flew from Vancouver to attend to. It meant so much to have them there. Ameya and I had planned a trip to Germany to see Schalke04 play to celebrate whenever I was well enough to travel. I'm going to take that money and go to Vancouver and see Dina.
The biggest peace in all this is that Amy isn't suffering anymore. You usually have a life span of about 40 with the condition she and I have. But one of the nurses caring for her in ICU lost her best friend to the same super stroke caused by EDS at 29 so I think with that type of mutation it might be better to say 30. Another nurse cried once and a while and come to find out she had worked with Amy. She said she was such a special person. They took such good care of her even though she was dead when we found her and really dead the entire time she was there. Still so much dignity and kindness given her. Alot of people at the DGH had worked with her when she worked at the ICU in Halifax and other departments at the DGH. They loved her. Her boss told us that "droves" of customers came in to pay their respects. People loved her. She was so kind and so funny and so giving you loved her the moment you met her.
Poor Ameya....in the last three months she had lost her vision in one eye completely and almost had completely lost the other one. Her kidneys were in failure and she would have had to start on dialysis- which she was so scared of. Her hands were becoming useless because of how easily her fingers were discolating now so she would soon have had to leave her job(and that combined with her progressing blindness was what kept her offline most of the time). She had started to develope the EDS shakes which are similar to ones you get with Parkinson's disease which made things like holding utensils to eat difficult. Her tendons in her legs and knees were ripped again and causing her too much pain to sleep and made it very hard for her to walk and stand. She had also been suffering from one of EDS' most embrassing and common symtoms- loss of bladder control. This upset her a lot. Because her brain tissue was thinning and tearing like the rest of her body she had begun to stutter and forget things. She was dying. But whatever force in the world that controls good and controls kindness looked at her suffering sand let her have peace. She was so happy that night she died. I last saw her at one am and we had hung out with Mum and few hours, Dad a little bit, and even just the two of us for a bit. It was a perfect goodbye. She died instantly with 90% of the blood vessels in her brain rupturing all at the same time. There was no suffering.
She deserved to die with a feeling of happiness and instantly with no pain. She had overcome so much pain everyday. At age 13 she was paralysed by a broken neck on one side of her body and relearned to use her dominant hand and leg again. She even started from scratch and taught herself to draw and paint again. She amanged to graduated first in her class suffering from a completely dislocated knee. Plus all the other daily sufferings of EDS.
She was amazing, she was brave and she was the best twin sister or friend anyone ever could ask for. I miss her so much but I'm so lucky to have had her.
It's hard to be online. My Dad fixed me up on Kaza's laptop so I could be online again and not be so lonely but it's really hard. Everyone else's life goes on and mine can't. I try and read journals but I can't connect. It almost amkes me angry. Maybe it's still so much grief and sadness making me too numb still? It's not fair to be angry at friends for going on with life. It's just part of that irrational, sickening mix of grief. You can't think straight.
I feel like my life is bleeding away. All the plans for the furture, the life I had is gone. We are sticking together saying: "Our old life is over, now we have a new life. Not as good because Ameya wont be here but a new life."
I keep having nightmares about loosing her. People are attacking the two of us and I can't save her, or she drowns, or I relive trying to do first aid that day. I wake up crying and vomitting. That same weired white foam....not ususal vomit. What is that stupid foam? I've never done that until the day I found her.
It makes it so I'm scared to sleep. I didn't sleep for about five days at all, and than for the next eight I got about two or three hours a day. The past two days I was able to get about five or six a day. I don't feel well phsyically. It's hard to make yourself, or I guess remind yourself to eat and drink water.
Her service was beautiful- I actually felt less sad afterwrads though the day after I was a mess. And now today is another really sad day. Not as bad as yesterday though. ysterday I was a agonized wreck. I losdt count after the tenth seperate time I broke down and sobbed.
I was able to get up and read my short goodbye at the service myself, I didn't know if I could and had asked Aunt Joy to read it for me but when the time came I was able to get up and do it. My Cousin Debbie read an email that Pastor Jen had sent along to Gram from Pasha(Estarial) which was beautiful. Pastor Jen wrote and read a beautiful sermon. We asked for something with no Jesus and not much God. Enough God to make our Christian relatives happy and give them peace but not to much that would offend Ameya and her non-state Shinto-animist beliefs. She did an amazing job and I think it gave everyone a lot of peace.
More people came to the service than live in the entire village. It was the village we grew up in. We just had the service, no funeral or burial. The next day Mum, Dad and I scattered her ashes on the beach where we spent most every day growing up. I happened to read her last journal entry and it was about our family friend Daniel dying and his ashes were scatteredon the beach by his childhood home and she actually said in that journal entry that she thought that was a good way to go. I had not read that when we decided but I'm glad she would have approved.
I'll do my best to get the text of what Pastor Jen said and what I read and Pasha's email and put them behind a cut here so that peoiple who couldn't attend the service can read if they like.
I was so surprised to see Amy and I's very close friend Erin(Airguitar) there- I didn't know if she could make it when we left the city. My best friend since kindergarten and one of Amy's best friends too flew from Vancouver to attend to. It meant so much to have them there. Ameya and I had planned a trip to Germany to see Schalke04 play to celebrate whenever I was well enough to travel. I'm going to take that money and go to Vancouver and see Dina.
The biggest peace in all this is that Amy isn't suffering anymore. You usually have a life span of about 40 with the condition she and I have. But one of the nurses caring for her in ICU lost her best friend to the same super stroke caused by EDS at 29 so I think with that type of mutation it might be better to say 30. Another nurse cried once and a while and come to find out she had worked with Amy. She said she was such a special person. They took such good care of her even though she was dead when we found her and really dead the entire time she was there. Still so much dignity and kindness given her. Alot of people at the DGH had worked with her when she worked at the ICU in Halifax and other departments at the DGH. They loved her. Her boss told us that "droves" of customers came in to pay their respects. People loved her. She was so kind and so funny and so giving you loved her the moment you met her.
Poor Ameya....in the last three months she had lost her vision in one eye completely and almost had completely lost the other one. Her kidneys were in failure and she would have had to start on dialysis- which she was so scared of. Her hands were becoming useless because of how easily her fingers were discolating now so she would soon have had to leave her job(and that combined with her progressing blindness was what kept her offline most of the time). She had started to develope the EDS shakes which are similar to ones you get with Parkinson's disease which made things like holding utensils to eat difficult. Her tendons in her legs and knees were ripped again and causing her too much pain to sleep and made it very hard for her to walk and stand. She had also been suffering from one of EDS' most embrassing and common symtoms- loss of bladder control. This upset her a lot. Because her brain tissue was thinning and tearing like the rest of her body she had begun to stutter and forget things. She was dying. But whatever force in the world that controls good and controls kindness looked at her suffering sand let her have peace. She was so happy that night she died. I last saw her at one am and we had hung out with Mum and few hours, Dad a little bit, and even just the two of us for a bit. It was a perfect goodbye. She died instantly with 90% of the blood vessels in her brain rupturing all at the same time. There was no suffering.
She deserved to die with a feeling of happiness and instantly with no pain. She had overcome so much pain everyday. At age 13 she was paralysed by a broken neck on one side of her body and relearned to use her dominant hand and leg again. She even started from scratch and taught herself to draw and paint again. She amanged to graduated first in her class suffering from a completely dislocated knee. Plus all the other daily sufferings of EDS.
She was amazing, she was brave and she was the best twin sister or friend anyone ever could ask for. I miss her so much but I'm so lucky to have had her.
